by Jessica on July 19, 2010
Someone recently asked me if I’m having a mid-life crisis. Before answering I smiled and stopped to think about the question–and then had to laugh when I responded by telling her I’m not in a mid-life crisis (I’m only 34…I’m in my prime), I’m in a life awakening. With that she gave a smile and a little “humph?”
This past year I’ve had the opportunity to work with, get to know and learn from some pretty amazing ladies who are doing great things for themselves and others (I feel beyond blessed). Being surrounded by these ladies has opened my eyes to all that there is out there and all that I can do to live the kind of life I want to live. So the first thing I did was sign up for the Life Coach Training program through Martha Beck, Inc. This was the key to the door of my life awakening.
Normally, I’m a fearful person. I fear physical consequences (I don’t like pain, heights, flying, swimming in the ocean or bugs, just to name a few)—and I fear not being accepted by others–I’m a serial people pleaser (to those who know me—Surprise!). Because of this I over think everything I do or say.
I can now say that I used to be a fearful person who would over think everything I did or said.
In training we’re told often that we have to live it to give it. We have to work through our problems, our issues, our thoughts—in order to come from a non-judgmental place for our clients. We’re also told often to do things in turtle steps—very small tiny steps towards what we want to change and what we want to happen. I’ve worked through a lot—I’ve cried often, I’ve shut down and closed up, I’ve broke down (Benji loves when I do this), I’ve stepped back and started observing instead of judging, I’ve laughed a lot more and a lot harder and I’ve accepted me for me—not caring what others think or feel I should (should not) do. And, I’ve started doing what feels right in my heart.
Because of these turtle steps I’m slowing creating the life I want and now doing the things I’ve only talked about before. This past weekend I took a giant step, and I GOT A TATTOO–my first tattoo!! This is something I’ve talked about and wanted to do for years but was too scared to actually do anything more than talk and imagine. I was scared of the pain, I was worried about the design since I would have this forever, I was concerned with what the story of my tattoo would be (doesn’t everyone have a story behind their tattoos??), and I was worried about what people would think of me.
Then, my friend went and got one two weeks ago. I was shocked and jealous that she actually DID it. I knew right then that I was ready, too. Hell, I even had a gift certificate to a local tattoo parlor (birthday gift from mom & dad–seriously), so I called Gretchen, Mom and Christa, and set the plan in motion. I was dead set and beyond excited!!
It definitely hurt- a lot! The design is based off a beautiful tattoo I saw on LA ink. And, the story behind it is that I am a strong, independent woman in control of my life—creating it, no longer imagining it. I LOVE my tattoo and will never regret putting myself out there, for everyone to see—accepting or not accepting.
This life awakening is like a party!!! The door is wide open—I invite you to join me. We’ll share lots of smiles, giggles, tears, hugs and exhales as we take turtle steps together and cheer each other onto the finish line–the lives we’ve always imagined!
by Jessica on July 2, 2010
Boy, has it been awhile since I’ve written! I’ve thought a lot about writing but I’ve gone back into my story of being scared, nervous and not accepted. Along with the announcement of The Real Mamacita, and touching comments (thank you!!), I also received an innocent question from someone I admire (I want to be her when I grow up) asking about my focus/message for the blog. That completely tripped me up and I stopped writing. I’ve thought of this question often and I’ve also thought of many great posts, but froze in my fear of being judged. Do I sound depressed? Should I have a message every time? Should I sound deeper or more intelligent somehow?
Tonight, while having a glass of wine (ok—a couple of glasses) and gardening (my therapy), I discovered that my message will just be to post from my heart—no matter how it comes across. You may love it, like it, hate it, or care less for it. That’s OK (big exhale here) with me. The focus is putting me, my thoughts and my feelings out there by accepting myself, and not fearing the opinions of others. And, not forcing my opinions on others. So, I’m back and will be posting each week moving forward. Yay!!!
Now, let’s get down to what got me moving and back on track tonight. I received a post on my Facebook wall from a very nice gentleman letting me know that over the past year we haven’t grown as friends, even with attempts and though I’m lovely, he was going to remove me as his friend. What??? This post took me by surprise, made me sad, a little mad (irritated), self-conscious and thankful.
Surprised because whenever he commented on my posts I always tried to respond to his comments.
Sad because I check Facebook status updates often (too often) and I always enjoy his posts, even though I may not comment.
Mad because he posted that on my wall—why not just remove me as a friend?
Self-conscious because I wonder how many other people have the same thought—am I selfish because I haven’t reached out to create and grow friendships?
And, thankful because it reminded me that my true friends accept me for who I am, what I do, and what I can give—just as I do them.
When it comes to social media, acquaintances, friends, family, etc… I can only give so much. I can only like or make a quick status comment once in awhile because I’m sneaking a peek on my Blackberry. I can only wave at you at the grocery, ask how things are and answer back as I’m picking out apples because I’m on my way to the next mission. I can only chat for a couple of minutes on the phone while driving to pick up the kids because it’s complete chaos as soon as they get in the car. And, I can only come to a picnic when we don’t have soccer, t-ball or g-ball games because I’m a parent who wants to watch my kids play. This may sound selfish, but that’s the best I can do right now. It hasn’t always been this way and it will not always be this way, but right now this is all I have to give. The past few months I’ve been working a lot (not complaining) and when I’m not working I’m with my family. Once in awhile I take extra time for myself (like a trip to Colorado) and my friends. It’s not that I don’t want this time–it’s just that my family is my life & my work helps to sustain our lives. So, these are the two things I prioritize. I get an hour in the bath by myself each night. This allows me time to unwind, relax, think, read, or even chat on the phone. And, I have dinner with friends (Sarah, La Piaza is calling our names) every couple of weeks. This is honestly all I want and all I need. From what I know, my friends are the same. They work, go to school, volunteer. They have families and children involved in activities—they’re busy. They make time for themselves and their friends when it’s possible and needed.
Sometimes it may be a week, two weeks or even a month before my friends and I are able to connect. Nobody gets mad, hurt or feels slighted. It’s a bond that we have—knowing that we’ll connect again when the time’s right. We know that if either of us NEED something we drop everything and we’re there. If we’re just calling to chat and have to leave a message, we know the other will call back when she can. But always, always when we do catch up it’s as if no time has passed and we jump right back in step with each other like we’ve not missed a beat. We talk, laugh, smile and tell each other more things than we probably would have if we talked on a daily basis. We leave each other or hang up feeling that reconnection, that light step and easy breath of knowing–even if time does pass our friend is still there.
So, thank you kind gentleman, for posting on my wall this evening. You’ve reminded me how much I truly appreciate, cherish and love my friends for who they are, what they are, and whatever time they have for me. And, thank you to my friends for doing the same!!!
